So. Many. Feelings.
That statement describes my life in general, because I’m just a feeler, but particularly the last 6 weeks or so.
Since the end of September, I’ve celebrated 7 years of marriage with my wonderful husband, found out I was pregnant after a year of trying, miscarried (again) at 7 weeks, turned 31, then just yesterday my kid had surgery to remove a mass from his hand. Intense does not even begin to describe the past month and a half of my life. Its been pretty shitty and I’ve felt sad and angry and sorry for myself and fearful. All the big, icky things that nobody ever wants to feel.
If you’ve been here for a while, you read about my first miscarriage when I wrote about it back in May. This time was different…more painful, messier, more heartbreaking. I didn’t think that was possible, but I was proven wrong when I was sobbing on my bathroom floor on my birthday. As a dear friend reminded me recently…the saying “God never gives you more than you can handle” is bullshit. Sometimes you are given much more than you can handle.
I’m so very thankful for Connor and his kind little soul. He brings a brightness to my days that I don’t think I would have without him. He makes me laugh and reminds me that I need to be strong and resilient so that I can be there for him. I’m also amazed at the purity and resilience of children. The fact that he had a 2 hour surgery to remove a lymphatic malformation on his palm yesterday and was playing with his trains and in good spirits today astounds me. Here he is devouring an icy in recovery after a horrible 2.5 hours of post-anesthesia madness where he screamed non-stop and tried to beat the crap out of me with his club hand.
I’m taking things a day at a time over here…sometimes a breath at a time. Some days I drink wine and cry. Other days I laugh and feel joy. There are days I go through every emotion on the spectrum of possibility. I’m giving myself some grace and so is my village of loved ones. I am so thankful for that village.
I write to help me process; I’ve discovered that helps me heal. So thank you for being here in my little space of healing.